Helicopter Mom of the Year

Mother’s Day was only a few days ago, so it feels fitting to write about the helicopter mom who happens to share a cubicle wall with me. Some might refer to her as a mother hen, but chickens can only fly short distances and this woman is constantly hovering over her children and everyone else under the age of 35. No joke, she could put actual helicopters to shame.

Helicopter Mom calls her children no less than 5 times a day. Even when they are at school, y’all!!! You know when I spoke to my parents? When I got home! But that would never do for Helicopter Mom. No, she has to know where her kids are at all times and what they are doing because you better believe that school will be getting a call if they don’t respond. Apparently you can be shot and left for dead in a ditch during the one hour you don’t talk with your mom.

I assume it would be awfully tiring to live in constant fear of your children disappearing, being murdered, spontaneously combusting, etc., but that’s the kind of fear Helicopter Mom carries around with her. When I call my mom, I usually get a “hello” or “hi there.” Poor little Thing 1 and Thing 2 get a panicked “WHAT’S WRONG?!” anytime time they choose to call their mom at a time she deems suspicious (all the damn time).

Who knows, maybe one of these days something will be wrong, but how much trouble can her 17 year old son get into when he can’t even drive? That’s right, this man-child is about to leave for college and he doesn’t even have his permit. Sure, he might not see the appeal of driving, or he could’ve noticed gas prices and would rather save his money to buy video games and ninja swords. You would also think his mother would encourage him to get his driver’s license. WRONG. Mama Bear wants her cubs safe and sound so what better way to ensure that than to make them completely dependent on her at all times?

You might be thinking, “Randy, that’s some conspiracy theory level nonsense.” Well calm down! It’s not like I’m saying the Vladimir Putin is spying on us! He is. I’m saying Helicopter Mom would rather her kids become helpless adults than see them leave her and enter the dangerous world outside her protective watch.

‘Ol Randy has plenty more stories about Helicopter Mom, but it’s past 10 p.m. and I’ve already drank my red wine and Ambien cocktail. Peace and blessings.

– RANDY

Bandaids Don’t Heal Bullet-Holes

Do you ever just bottle something in until one day you snap? At first you try calming yourself down and repeating phrases like “it’s ok, it’s ok, it’s ok,” or more trying to convince yourself of a lie you made up like “I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.”

Well that’s what happened to me when my patience was running thin on a Friday. I wish things – like working – were as easy as getting a Sports Wellness degree, but they’re not. Dealing with people and personalities at work can be DIFFICULT.

I have a co-worker that’s been through hell and back with my bosses, and she’s put in time at this company, so she’s a little more outspoken when it comes to problems. The problem is, sometimes she’s the problem.We’ve been creating something new at work, but like most things, it ain’t comin’ easy. Frustrations are high, stressed out is an understatement, and any critics at this point are probably not welcome since this has been a cluster for almost a year now. Oh, add in that it’s Friday and everyone just wants to go home.

We’ve been saying the same 3-4 things to wrap this baby up and let it start spreading its wings, but nothing seems to get fixed. It’s like our words fall on deaf ears, and after a while that makes any sane person go….insane. My veteran co-worker brought up said frustrations to my boss and let’s just say it did not go well. By the grace of God the printer was out of paper so I could leave the room (and the argument) for about 2 minutes. In that time-span all hell must have broken loose because when I came back voices were raised and words were said. It went from “I’m a little concerned” to “why don’t you just quit” from my boss real quick.

Author comment: If you’re in leadership ever in your entire life – please never say this to someone. If that’s how you really feel just man/woman up and fire someone. Let ’em go. 

Back to the story. I’m standing there at the printer acting as the only witness to this drama, and I don’t know how much longer I can stand at the printer acting like I’m putting in paper. I don’t even want to turn around and face this argument. This is their argument…don’t get involved Sharleen. But what if they need a liaison for that communication error? No. Don’t. They can hash this out. Ugh, the internal conflict. Cue the “I love my job. I love my job. I love my job”. More like “Sharleen you got bills. You got bills. You got billlsssss”.

The whole thing went up in flames and the worst thing ever happened: a grown woman started crying. I hate seeing people over 30 cry. It’s truly heartbreaking and I can’t even look at them without my own heart breaking. She went home early and my boss (hopefully) will apologize Monday morning.

I say this whole thing for one really important lesson. You can do anything as long as you know it’s temporary. We can handle petty co-workers or nasty bosses as long as we know its temporary. THIS IS ALL TEMPORARY.

You’re going to eventually change jobs or retire, but the one thing you cant take back are words that you’ve already said. Just like the great philosopher and relationship guru, Taylor Swift, once said “bandaids don’t fix bullet-holes”. Say what you need to say, but be careful about your delivery because even if you apologize, what you say in anger and frustration might never be forgotten…..and you’ve probably made a third-party witness very uncomfortable.

— SHARLEEN

The Truth Comes Out A Little At A Time…

Let me just say upfront that there is no perfect workplace. You’re either going to have a cool boss but insane co-workers, awesome co-workers but the pay is terrible, or maybe even a terrible boss but you love your job more than anything. It’s very rare to hit the Triple 7’s in a workplace, but these stories of mine will make you say WTF.

I had been employed by this company for maybe a month when I heard my senior manager was caught watching porn at his desk and STILL wasn’t fired after a female co-worker caught him …er…in the act..er…at his desk.. *shivers* (moving along)

I was over here beating myself up for 2 days straight being caught on buzzfeed, until I came to find out that another co-worker was on her 3rd round of being employed at said company. 3rd time around? How does someone get hired, fired, re-hired, fired, and re-hired? That’s alot of chances to hit, miss, hit again, miss again and try again for one last effort. Well the first time was because of missing 24 days of work in just a couple of months. How does someone miss that many days of work in such a short amount of time? When you’re doing drugs and can’t make it to work on Monday… or sometimes Tuesday.

And I’m worried about losing my job because of Kim Kardashian memes.

THIS THIRD STORY WILL MAKE YOU SAY “WHAT IS THIS PLACE?!” …if that’s not what you’ve thought already.

We had a Purchasing Agent quit on the company about a month into me working there. She had been there for years and mostly kept to herself, but would be social if you engaged her in conversation. Well one day the power went out and while everyone else gathered in the main room for light, she was packing her things in the dark. That Monday she never showed up to work and we never saw her again. The topic of that day came up a couple of days ago, and someone mentioned when the police showed up and arrested her right there at her desk! SHE HAD 4 WARRANTS OUT FOR HER ARREST AND ONE WAS A FELONY.

Can you imagine?!! One day you’re at work and you watch your co-worker get dragged out of her office while an officer is reciting the Miranda Rights to them. The craziest part of all is when they kept her position open for a month so she still had a job there after she got out of jail….

I cannot make this stuff up folks. If you think you have it bad at work, you probably do. But read this post and get a good laugh and maybe it’ll make you appreciate that it could be worse.

— SHARLEEN

I smell a smelly smell…

smellysmell

The office microwave is both a blessing and a curse. Without it I wouldn’t be able to heat up my Chinese takeout from the night before and Lord knows I love my Chinese food. It also helps many of my female coworkers heat up their sad little Lean Cuisines. HOWEV-UH, there are those dastardly coworkers who use it for far more nefarious purposes. Some like to use it to make stink bombs that smell so bad poor old Randy’s nose hairs get singed. I’m talkin’ microwaving fish, broccoli and the worst of all, HARD BOILED EGGS.

I’m not a huge fan of hard boiled eggs to begin with. There’s just something not right about eating a round ball of squishiness that smells like it came straight outta Satan’s anus. Well adding radiation to that little bastard only intensifies that smell and let me tell you that it does not take long for it to travel. Here I am being a good worker, minding my own business and suddenly the sulphury pits of Hell open up and I nearly pass out from the stench!!

Listen, I am a mild-mannered Christian man who would be more likely to play dead like an opossum rather than fight, but I will start swingin’ once my olfactory senses come under attack like that! Sure, you can look at it as someone heating up their breakfast or mid-morning snack, but I’m am here to tell you it is an act of war!!

To quote the great Michael Scott: “Do you have a bag of baby poop in there too?”

To those of you who know my struggle, I send up that little finger to mouth thing Katniss does in The Hunger Games. I don’t know, I haven’t read them in forever. Nonetheless, you have my sympathy and support. God bless!

– RANDY

“Excuse Me!”

Let me tell you a story about my coworker, Dale. Dale is what I like to call a “simple man.” This doesn’t mean he’s slow or learning impaired. No, Dale is just a man with simple tastes and a simple mind. When I picture what the inside of his head looks like, I visualize him sitting in a small boat on a lake, holding a fishing pole and nothing else. Whenever he gets an idea,  I visualize a fish tugging on the line and Dale frantically trying to reel it onto the boat. I truly believe that is the extent of what takes place in his mind.

Now I’m sure we all have coworkers who have little things they do that annoy us. There are the pen clickers, gum poppers, nail tappers and the food smackers. But did you know there are the burpers? Well Dale is one of those. I’m not talking the occasional under-the-breath burp every now and then. I’m talking about the loud belches that happen EVERY TEN TO FIFTEEN MINUTES. You heard me!! This man belches almost every 10 to 15 minutes on the daily. And you know what each burp is followed by? A redundant “excuse me!” Why bother saying “excuse me” if you know another burp is coming within the next 5 minutes??? Poor old Randy is gonna lose his hearing because he has to keep his earphones in all day!!

I’ve tried the usual passive aggressive comments to convey my annoyance, but this man is about as bright as a burnt-out 20 watt light bulb. On my last day of work, I picture myself walking right up to Dale, belching right in his face and ascending in a blinding white light. Until the day arrives, I’ll just keep truckin’ along y’all!!

– RANDY

 

 

Swiper No Swiping

We’ve all heard of roommates in college stealing your food when you weren’t there, but co-workers stealing your food?? I thought that was something only in movies. WELL IT HAPPENED TO ME IN REAL LIFE. There’s a co-worker of mine who is NOTORIOUS for stealing people’s lunches or finishing them off, even if they’re half eaten. Salads, cookies, sandwiches, he doesn’t discriminate. Well he crossed the line with Sharleen when he ate one of my Hershey’s pudding cup. This ain’t no snack pack-processed goop. It’s the devine chocolate experience that you find in the refrigerated section.

On a thursday I had brought my lunch because payday was just around the corner, and I left my pudding in the fridge to eat later. I went in to have a mid-afternoon snack and it was gone. THE NERVE OF SOME PEOPLE. Do I really need to put my name on something? You know that you didn’t bring it so don’t eat it. My-coworkers wanted to search his trash but there’s no point. We all know it was him. Well I can be petty 10x back. My awesome work mom got me a 4-pack of said Hershey’s pudding cups and I put a note on there that read “4 CUPS *DATE* *NAME*” and taped it on there. When I enjoyed one of the cups I took a pen and changed the date and the number to 3. Ain’t nobody taking my puddin cups. I almost sent a company wide email, but why involve 30 people when I know who it was. Anyways – watch your back and put your name on things in sharpie people. TRUST NO ONE.

— SHARLEEN

Welcome to our blog!

Howdy readers! Our names/pseudonyms are Sharleen and Randy and welcome to our blog! We’re two twenty-something postgrads just trying to navigate our way through the monotonous and often frustrating world of work. Here, we will discuss the trials and tribulations of our jobs and the nutjobs we call our coworkers. Be prepared for some serious southern slang and even more southern charm. Enjoy!