Mother’s Day was only a few days ago, so it feels fitting to write about the helicopter mom who happens to share a cubicle wall with me. Some might refer to her as a mother hen, but chickens can only fly short distances and this woman is constantly hovering over her children and everyone else under the age of 35. No joke, she could put actual helicopters to shame.
Helicopter Mom calls her children no less than 5 times a day. Even when they are at school, y’all!!! You know when I spoke to my parents? When I got home! But that would never do for Helicopter Mom. No, she has to know where her kids are at all times and what they are doing because you better believe that school will be getting a call if they don’t respond. Apparently you can be shot and left for dead in a ditch during the one hour you don’t talk with your mom.
I assume it would be awfully tiring to live in constant fear of your children disappearing, being murdered, spontaneously combusting, etc., but that’s the kind of fear Helicopter Mom carries around with her. When I call my mom, I usually get a “hello” or “hi there.” Poor little Thing 1 and Thing 2 get a panicked “WHAT’S WRONG?!” anytime time they choose to call their mom at a time she deems suspicious (all the damn time).
Who knows, maybe one of these days something will be wrong, but how much trouble can her 17 year old son get into when he can’t even drive? That’s right, this man-child is about to leave for college and he doesn’t even have his permit. Sure, he might not see the appeal of driving, or he could’ve noticed gas prices and would rather save his money to buy video games and ninja swords. You would also think his mother would encourage him to get his driver’s license. WRONG. Mama Bear wants her cubs safe and sound so what better way to ensure that than to make them completely dependent on her at all times?
You might be thinking, “Randy, that’s some conspiracy theory level nonsense.” Well calm down! It’s not like I’m saying the Vladimir Putin is spying on us! He is. I’m saying Helicopter Mom would rather her kids become helpless adults than see them leave her and enter the dangerous world outside her protective watch.
‘Ol Randy has plenty more stories about Helicopter Mom, but it’s past 10 p.m. and I’ve already drank my red wine and Ambien cocktail. Peace and blessings.